VALENTINE'S DAY...uh oh?

I have always been a bit on the weird side of things. I love being alone, dating myself (as some call it), deciding when I want to do something--or skip or procrastinate--and knowing immediately whether it will fit in my schedule or budget, etc. It is nice.

I, of course, am accountable to people for things that are important. But things like whether I swept the whole floor today, or just did a cursory sweep, or none at all. Who is to care or know when nobody else is around? Of course I ca not stand something being left undone for too long (my near-OCD kicks in), but I have the option to leave it if I want.

I can get an art project out (like scrapbooking) and know that nobody will complain if I leave it out, unfinished, for however many days in a row I need to finish it. Nobody will find fault with it, either, or ruin it because they did not see it laying there when they threw their coat across the dining room table.

Yes, being single, having my own apartment, has soooo many advantages.

Aside from events, or social outings I go to or plan and host, I can pretty much do what I want, when I want. Go to bed, get up, eat, clean, whenever. If the fancy should strike me, I might dust at 2am.

When I feel like seeing a certain movie, I only have to check the ratings to see if its something I would like, without having to think about who else might see it or dislike/disapprove of it (ie. I can finally watch LOTR again!). And if by some misfortune I start watching something on Netflix that half-way through, I find I can not stand it or it takes an unexpected, go-against-my-moral-boundary twist, I can turn it off without having to deal with complaints as to "We have watched this far, lets finish it" or needing to explain myself. I can just turn it off in the middle.

I can plan one of those "self-dates" and change my mind at the last minute. I went once to a theater for one movie, and decided to do two in a row, skip the dinner afterward, but get popcorn instead--it was a special deal-day at theater where drinks and popcorn were just a $1 anyway.

Since I already know myself, I already know how I think or reason or the why's and why-nots. So no complaints or explanations that most would not understand anyway.

I have even worried about what I would do when I married, since I love alone time as much as socializing! Marriage, while having its benefits, I am sure, has always seemed a bit restrictive to me. Having someone come home to me e-v-e-r-y evening after work? Really? Argh! It would mean only a few hours to myself, and those would be hours I would probably use to clean or cook so the house would be perfect for him each evening, except how then would I find time that would be just mine and nonrestrictive? To use how I wanted?

Yeah, I am sure there are perks to married life, and someday I am sure I will sing a different tune. But for now, I have always loved being single, being alone, having my own domain.

I have spent many a holiday alone, even, and not because I was not invited to something, but just because I prefer it!

This last Christmas I told all my relatives I wanted to spend alone. I did end up Skype-ing a sister in the early morning, though, but then without any other scheduled event, I could go back to bed and sleep way in. And I wrung in this last New Year's by marathon-ing cheesy romantic Christmas movies on Netflix, keeping an eye on the clock, and texting a sister to make sure she was still awake.

Lonely? I do not even understand the word, usually.

Alone, yes. But lonely? Never. I can be quit an amusing person!

In the past, I used to tease my single friends as Valentine's day would creep up on us, because of how emotionally distraught they would get over being single on such a romantic holiday. Or whatever it was they used to say.

I did not understand what the turmoil was all about.

Valentine was a guy who died without ever being with the love of his life. So if anything, it is a holiday celebrating unrequited love, in my opinion, and who wants to celebrate that? Getting engaged, dating, etc on such a holiday just seemed like a bad idea, not to mentioned cliche and over-done! My thought was that a couple should pick a day for themselves, their own holiday, and make it special...

My father has always been my "Valentine," if I ever counted anyone, because from the time I started college and ever since, he has given me a carnation or two to stick in a vase, or a small box of my favorite chocolates, or some other favorite treat, or any combination of the sort. He was my "Valentine" even before movies like Courageous said that the father should be their daughter's first Valentine/date, and thereby set a standard/idea of what the daughter should look for.

I have always enjoyed my single-ness.

So why am I writing, then?

Simple...because this year it bothers me.

I know, I have turned into a cliche...or worse, become just like every single person from any cheesy romantic movie...

I do not know if it bothers me because my hormones are all out of whack; if it is from being unusually snow-bound so much this year. That in about seven months I hit the big uh-oh (3-0) for a single person. That I have gone through a mental list in my head of all my former-single friends and it keeps reading like this "married, significant other, dating, married, married, engaged, married, married, oh and married." We will not even think about the fact that way too many of my married friends are on their what, fourth kid, already? Anyway, whatever it is, this year as Valentine's day sneaks up on me, it actually bothers me!

This year I actually feel sad that I have never gotten to know what it is like to even date, let alone be a couple on any holiday. I watch my friends, hear about their plans, and while I am happy for them (some of them are just down-right straight-from-a-movie adorable over it!), but I actually wonder what it would be like from the inside--their side--of things.

I have never dated, never had a boyfriend, never courted, never been engaged, etc (I am sure you get the point)...but I have never minded...

Until now.

Because now as midnight ticks up, and Valentine's Day starts -- for many other's in a few hours, when they wake up-- I am curious to know what it is like. Is it like Christmas morning for a child? Are you giddy to know what your spouse has planned for you? Excited with anticipation for work to end in the afternoon to find out? Does the day just seem to crawl by until then? Or does everything seem airy and better, like floating on a cloud, just from waiting? Or are you the planner, and thinking through every detail, just waiting with glee to see the look on your spouse's face when you give her that little thing she has been wanting? Or when you tell her you got someone to babysit the kiddos so you could have a simple evening out?

I am curious to know what it is like...and despite all the stories I hear or read or see, nothing will be the same as when I have actually stood on that end of things...and this year, I really wish I was standing over there.

The Christian radio station gave a good suggestion in that it was reminding people to not forget their single friends on Valentine's Day; perhaps by taking them out for dinner, or just dropping by to give them a little something--even just a hug--and let them know you appreciate their friendship, etc...And if I had a car, I would totally be all over that...Besides that, like I said earlier, I do not have any single friends that I can recall; nor can I figure out why a married person, friend of mine or not, would want to take time from the one day a year for the married people to celebrate being married to their best friend to spend some of it with a single friend.

My married, or otherwise engaged, friends, go and have fun this Valentine's Day. Enjoy yourself and your significant other. That is what the day is for...Just, for me, when the day is past, do not forget to tell me about it and perhaps, remember me in your prayers so that maybe next time I will join you with stories to tell, too.